Freeconomy Blog
Sun
25 Oct
Lessons from silence
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I am now coming to an end of a week of silence; I started last Monday and have just one day to go, thank heavens. I don't mean that. Actually, no, I do mean that. I have been communicating to people in other ways, either via the internet (like now) or through body language, and the very odd time through writing if I thought that it warranted it. But I've tried to keep it as limited as is possible for someone living their ordinary, everyday life. It has been a fascinating mini-experiment, on a very personal level, to say the least; and it's something I would recommend that everyone should consider doing, even if just for a day. Having said that, it's highly unlikely I'll ever do it for a week again!
I should point out first that I am no bodhisattva - I've rarely even meditated in the past, and whenever I have I kept thinking about all the things I should've been cracking on with instead of sitting in the lotus position, focusing on my breathing. That's not to say I don't think meditation is beneficial, I think its a very useful tool for a more conscious and aware life, it's just that I've never been very good at it! The longest I ever was silent before was the same length of time as my longest night's sleep.
So what did I learn? The first thing I realised is that it is definitely much harder to criticise people, and this was something that I said in my last blog I was hoping to get a much better understanding of. On the first day someone done something that really annoyed me, with reason. I really wanted to say some things that in hindsight would have been quite hurtful to the person, and not helpful in any way, even though they were true. But because I couldn't say anything, I had to keep those thoughts to myself. Which was tough, I promise you. I did show some childish body language, which I'm sure she picked up on, but the damaging critical remarks stayed unsaid. The next day, when my emotions had calmed down, I didn't feel upset anymore and I was definitely glad I didn't talk without thinking the day before as the damage would have taken some fixing. Instead I exercised some forgiveness, based on the very simple logic of the fact I had done much worse myself, and gave her a hug, and the built up resentment evaporated! A lesson in there somewhere I think.
It was also very interesting to see how people interacted with me - on Monday people spoke to me a lot and engaged with me regularly, and the same on Tuesday. But by Wednesday I felt people were talking much less to me, which was highlighted to me by one of the people in the community that I live in. Probably because people prefer to talk to people who can respond, and with whom they can have a laugh with. Which made me think about how it must feel to be deaf or mute, or have some condition that comes with old age, in a world where everyone else can talk. Or even how it feels to live alone in a city surrounded by people. It felt lonely at times, and it gave me a much greater sense of empathy towards those who society doesn't seem to value anymore.
I also found myself listening and observing a lot more. Not that I had any choice. And it's amazing what you notice when you shut up for a while. You can see who communicates non-violently, who communicates badly, different people's reactions to different styles of communication, who is probably having a hard time of it. I began to learn the art of listening - when you know you can't reply, you become a lot more attentive. Often in the past I'd stop listening to someone half way through the conversation as I'd already be waiting to get my response in.
I did find it pretty exhausting, at least in the first few days, as I really had to concentrate hard on being aware and not talking back. I think if you are in a vipassana this is not such a big issue in some ways, as no one is talking to you either. But I had people talking to me every few minutes at the start, the phone would be ringing, and so I had to stay really focused on not talking whilst also getting on with my daily life and all the jobs I had to do. I did have one slip up on Thursday afternoon when I responded to a question briefly, and got pretty mad with myself, before I realised that no one had died and it wasn't so important. It did come from the fact I got lost in a load of work I was trying to get done and had lost complete awareness of myself and my surroundings. Symbolic methinks. Awareness of myself, and how I communicate, is something I really want to improve on. By the end of the week though I didn't find it tiring at all; this reflects my experience of living without money too. I think we always find changing our habits difficult and exhausting, but once we actually change them its amazing how quickly they become normal.
Today I am a bit bored of it to be honest. I want to talk; I am not suited to the silent life. I think expression is a beautiful part of life. I think there is more balance to be found though.
I hope that from now on I use the gift of speech more wisely. I think with words it should be about quality, not quantity. Scandinavians get this much better than those of us from the English speaking nations. As Michael Franti has commented on, we all have the freedom of speech, but we all want to talk at the same time. Which of us exercise the freedom just to listen anymore? Until we start using our ears at least as much as our mouths, there will always be conflicts, both in our personal lives and on a global scale.
What's the first words I am going to speak on Monday? 'Thanks' or 'sorry', I reckon. Two of the most powerful words in the English language.
On a slightly different note, I've just begun organising the 'Food for Free Freeconomy Feast 2009' this week, and it looks like it is going to be even bigger than last years! Last year we celebrated Buy Nothing Day 2008 - and also the start of my year without money - by dishing up the most delicious three course meal for over 150 people, with drinks and full service, made by volunteers out of foraged and waste food. It was one of those truly fantastic days where the spirit between those helping make it happen and those enjoying the fruits of that labour was immense; those who ate and drank and enjoyed the music honestly could not believe it was all for free!
Last week I just put out word to see if people were up for doing it again, and we've already got a team of 25 freeconomist volunteers (!), so instead of it just being a free feast it looks like it is also going to be a mini one day festival, with workshops and talks and forums during the day and entertainment during the evening and night.
If anyone of you wants to organise something similar wherever you live for Buy Nothing Day, then drop me a line and I'd be happy to give any advice that I can about how to go about doing it, and give as much help as I can.
THE FREECONOMY BLOG is written by Mark Boyle, founder of the Freeconomy Community, who is currently living without money for a year.
Comment on this Post:
Maria comments ...
I remember last years feast in Bristol, what a day! Looking forward to this years one, keep us updated.
Meera comments ...
Currently, my mother is under the vow of silence, for a month. Though she has kept it due to some religious reasons (part of a fast), it's highly inspiring to all kinds of people living around here, especially me. This practice of silence (she does it every year, especially at this time of the year) has made her forgive people for things I can't even think of forgiving for. Eg. When due to the carelessness of the cook at a traditional festival my mother, who was sitting near the big fireplace where he was cooking, burnt her legs and portions of her back partly (due to the hot oil which was accidentally spilled over), she didn't blame him at all even though she had to be hospitalized for 3 months! Even though she was not under the vow of silence then, it was this very reason that she forgave him and simply suffered all that pain. She just said it all happened due to her sins that she had committed and the cook only played a role in the drama..... Sometimes I wonder how our ancestors knew about such valuable things as the vow of silence?
Rob comments ...
As someone with brain damage, who has had problems with communicating, it's refreshing to read your experiences. I woke from a coma, silent though people around were noisy, and I've not been the same since. It can be a lonely world, being a bit different, less able to provide feedback and input for others, but effort refines the quality of what I give out for others.
Maureen comments ...
Yes, Mark it's so important to listen - I have to practice this regularly as a counsellor and it's so easy to drift! Thanks for sharing yet another thought-provoking blog. And tell me, when and where is the feast taking place? xx
Alex Carter comments ...
Hi, wow. I love your attitude and your courage. Congratulations on making it this far! All the best.
Ira comments ...
I admire your very idealistic options, Mark, and wish you well-deserved success. On the topic of silence, I'm much, much older than you, with a head of shaggy grey hair that makes me look rather like a wolf (as I'm an animal-lover, that means something nice, to my mind). And with the years, I have come to savour silence as very precious. I love the sounds of silence - wind, rustling leaves, creaking beams, the cat padding across the carpet... I love the way animals communicate eloquently without using words. You too say you find that silence heightens the ability to listen. Too much noise in our modern world, too much verbiage. Sometimes I think I'd like to be a Trappist. But perhaps the discipline might be too hard for me. All the best, Mark!
shahla Ahy comments ...
Dear Mike, here on this mountain top with no one to speak to teaches where the ego sits! no shows o play in...
