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31 Jul
The oxymoronic conditional love
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People often speak about 'unconditional love' as some ideal that we may strive for, but are unlikely to ever reach. Which means, in effect, that 'conditional love' is, in fact, the norm and what most people in this western 'civilisation' experience today. But just think about those words for a moment - conditional love - and realise what an obvious, unnoticed oxymoron they are. Conditional love. Read 'unconditional need' instead.
I have thought about this a lot over the last few years, but it wasn't until a few weekends ago, when I met the poet Paradox, that I found a way to articulate it properly. "Many people think the words 'need' and 'love' are synonymous", he says, "but in my view when you need someone, you love them for what they give you. But when you love someone, you just love them", regardless what they do for you.
Conditional love for a person is nothing less than looking after your own self-interest. As long as this person satisfies a certain need of ours, we'll love them, but the moment they change their mind or heart about something, that's it, the offer of love is withdrawn. It sounds crazy but it is the basis of most relationships today. I've had a lot of experience of this in my own life, both in my own relationships and in those I've seen around me. I've been very guilty of it myself too, and often at that.
What struck me about the Poem I heard from Paradox, called 'Love you IF', was that he articulated beautifully what I had awkwardly tried to speak about for the longest time, and that every line of his struck an absolute chord with me. It was like he read my mind and put it into hand-crafted lyrics. So, I guess, why not just let him explain it instead? Here is the poem he wrote, I hope he forgives me for editing it slightly -
"Love you IF" by Paradox.
I, and I love you, beloved unconditional love,
Unspeakable treasure, highest common denominator,
Every hearts target, home of the soul,
Unknown to the mind, stranger to the ego.
Desired by all, practised by none,
Save one, or two, bright, blessed souls, loving pure and true.
I don't want to be like me any more, I want to be at one with you.
I love you IF - who am I kidding? Do you smell bullshit around?
Placed in the mouth of the newborn's mum, how hollow those words sound.
I love you IF you do what I want you to do.
I love you IF you keep your promises.
I love you IF you don't cause me any trouble.
I love you IF you get rich on the double.
I love you IF I am in a good mood,
I love you IF you cook my food.
I love you IF you don't go out,
I love you IF you don't shout.
I love you IF you love me the most,
I love you IF you put me first,
I love you IF you quench my attention thirst.
I love you IF you agree with me.
I love you IF you don't say things I don't want to hear.
I love you IF you don't shit in your nappy, dear.
I love you IF you behave in these specific ways.
Isn't that how Massa loved his slaves?
I love you, IF - a thinly veiled threat, yet most don't see through it.
I love you IF you do this, but not if you don't do it.
But IF - there's the emotional blackmail clue.
I love you - but if you don't make my expectations of you come true, I'll retaliate, I'll sulk, I'll withdraw my love, that's what I'll do.
If you won't live in this lovely little box I've made for you, I'll have to flush us down the loo, and find somebody new.
Somebody who, somebody who, somebody who I can control better than you.
I may not know what love is, but I know what it is not. It's not 'IF', it's not 'conditional'.
Maybe it's 'I may not love your behaviour, or all the things you do', but that won't ever stop ME from loving YOU.
But even mothers struggle with that one. But they keep trying, and so will I.
And maybe I'll reach the cliff at the edge of the kingdom of condition love - conditional love, obvious unnoticed oxymoron.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll just let go, take a leap of faith into the unconditonal.
Maybe it'll make my heart grow, maybe it'll make my soul glow.
Maybe I won't die. Maybe I'll get by. Maybe I'll fly.
No more "I love you IF" if I can just unify 'I' and 'I love you', and no lie.
I agree with Paradox. I don't know what love is, but I do know what it is not. Most of my life I've masked my needs as love, convincing myself I loved people when subconsciously I just wanted something from them. I don't want to be that person any more. From now on I am going to strive for my love to be unconditional, though I am sure it will be a life's struggle. I'll give it a shot if you will - oh yeah, silly me, that's still the old conditional mindset taking over. Fuck it - I'll just give it a shot regardless if no one else does.
I say I don't 'know' what love is, but maybe I can 'feel' what it is. Maybe -
Love is compassion for someone who has caused you hurt or who is your biggest critic.
Love is getting up at 4am to cook breakfast for your partner as she or he showers before their early shift, even though you don't start work until 9am.
Love is giving a friend or partner a massage, even though you could probably do with one yourself.
Love is saying you're sorry, and meaning it.
Love is helping someone not for personal profit, but just for the love-ofit, not thinking of getting anything in return.
Love is being there for someone, even when they aren't fulfilling the needs you originally hoped they would.
Love is seeing a chance to capitalise on someone else's misfortune, and deciding not to take it.
Love is giving all you have got, however little or much it is.
But remember, just as Kahlil Gibran says in 'The Prophet', "Work is love made visible". Don't bother telling someone you love them. Just show them, and through your actions you'll never need to say it, though it is always nice to say it anyway.
So what does love mean to you? And how are you going to make that love visible?
THE FREECONOMY BLOG is written by Mark Boyle, founding member of the Freeconomy Community. Guest writers invited.
Comment on this Post:
LyssaM comments ...
For me the all love is unconditional but I have to say sometimes people make it impossible for you to love them... my example is my sil trying to kill me... seriously hard to love after that but other than that people can wrong me but doesn't stop me loving them.
As a mother my love for my children is completely unconditional... there is no if at all... OF COURSE they are going to misbehave... that is what children do and it is MIGHTY fustrating at times but in no way affects your love for them. I can not imagine not loving them!
But I do give my love too freely for this topic of conversation to make me stop and think... I love people I don't even know, people I barely meet and to know if they are in pain in turn pains me... even tho I do not know them, is that not love? and I do go out of my way for strangers, maybe not miles but out of my way.
Navath comments ...
Beautiful article. There's a better term of this, "Compassion". When you say or do something completely for the benefit of someone else; when all you have is the well-being of that person in your mind, that is Compassion. It's a very powerful feeling. You can change your whole environment by cultivating Compassion.
Keep up the good work.
Meera comments ...
I call this a miracle! I've been trying to love everyone unconditionally since you first told about Paradox (trying means I've been forgiving people for everything and trying to help them always). But just today two of my friends made a great problem for me in this path. Since then, I've been very frustrated and irritated (though I said nothing to them) and here you are, enlightning me up again! Thanks, Mark, you are specially sent by God! And that too for a GREAT WORK! All the Best!
LyssaM comments ...
Meera, Those we love fustrate us constantly, lol... Just because you are fustrated or irritated doesn't stop your love... just as your love, even unconditional, does not stop you becoming irritated with someone... Marriage has taught me that much!!
I have no idea what your loved ones have done to vex you so much, but I suggest, if possible, you talk to them, as they may not have realised what they did affected you so much.
Claire comments ...
Love is love for the love that you feel and experience with someone, there is no formula for love and it cannot be contrived into what it is you think it should be. Love is about feeling and if some of those feelings are negative like jeleousy and an owning feeling, you work through it togather regardless of 'conditional' and 'unconditional' because if you really love someone you help them through it. There's the cause and the effect, you deal with the effect and perhaps that is a part of love. I don'y know anyone who is in love on a condition.
Meera comments ...
Thanks LyssaM, I know what you mean. I'm trying to do that. Only what bugs me is that these people can't distinguish between true and fake love and tend to go with the fakers.
Mark comments ...
Lyssa - that sounds like pretty bad experience, great you've come through it so well. Navath - I agree, compassion is a better way of expressing this. I don't know what love really is, but I know what compassion is and its a powerful thing. Meera - thanks for that, don't worry I veer off regularly as well! Claire - I think jealousy comes from a place of need to be honest, as if you love someone yo ujust want them to be happy, though I agree that love is about working through that as none of us are perfect. Good point. But I find it hard to imagine you don't know anyone who is in love on a condition - what about the condition they don't hit them, cheat on them, or treat them with love and respect in return? Is all love actually conditional (if they killed your most loved one would you still love them), and if it is, does love actually exist at all, or is it something we confuse with lust and need? Just asking the question...
LyssaM comments ...
Well you still love them... I mean I know women who's husbands have hit them and even tho they left them it hurts them that they still love their husbands... but sometimes that love is not enough... or sometimes it's not recieved back but doesn't stop you loving. Not sure about if they killed a loved one tho... in a news article I read a woman with PNP killed her child and the husband said he could never forgive her but still loved her... so I suppose it is possible.
Ana comments ...
I find very difficult to understand what real love means, that why I didn't mention it even once in "the last day of life "post. I read that we, our planet, the universe are the expression of the universal love, a very difficult concept to grasp. The closer I come to it, it's when some people get into difficulty and you help them. Mothers' love is the other but this is a kind of "easy" love because its our own flesh, and to conclude the "selfish" love for ourselves it's enourmous. Then, love is no selfishness, going around in circles ....
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